Save time by avoiding arguments with people who are not likely to change
These suggestions are based on proven techniques in social psychology. They can be used in other aspects of your life, too, besides politics.
Change is a process – it takes time
People go through predictable stages as their political views change or as they move toward becoming politically active. A dyed-in-the-wool Limbaugh conservative isn’t going to change in time for the next election. You can be polite, but should still walk away—don’t waste your time. With other people, however, understanding the stages of change can greatly improve your chances of bringing them over to your point of view.
Figure out where the other person is
Figure out where the other person is. Look for those who are wavering, because they are more promising prospects for change. To get to them, you have to figure out:
- Who they are
- What they’re thinking about
- Whether they’re ready to change or take action, and
- What they need to make that happen.
The most important thing for you to do first is to ASK QUESTIONS. And listen carefully. Be patient. You want to find out where the other person is, what’s important to them, and what can move them.
When you ask a question, wait for the person to answer—it may take them a while to figure out what to say. Don’t interrupt, don’t preach, and don’t push—that will just turn them off.
The more a political issue can be personalized for someone, the closer it comes to something that matters deeply to them, the better chance you’ll have of capturing their interest and getting them to think differently about it.
Ask questions like:
- Are you planning to vote in the next election?
- Which candidate do you support?
- Is your mind pretty well made up, or are you kind of on the fence?
- What are the things you like about the candidate? What are the things you don’t like?
- As far as you’re concerned, what is the most important political issue now?
- Why is that issue important to you?
- Have you or others you know been personally affected by that?
- How much do you know about the candidates’ positions on that (or their personal qualities, previous track record, etc.)?
In addition to asking about the person’s view of candidates, you may also sound them out on their overall preference between political parties. Closer to an election, you may also be talking about specific initiatives on the ballot, for which similar questions might be asked.
Is the person you’re talking with a good prospect?
In order to make up his or her mind to change, a person has to become really ambivalent, uncomfortable with their old ways, ready to consider that another option might be better. If you find a person who seems less than rock-solid in their position, you want to
(1) make them more uncomfortable with the candidate, party, or legislation you don’t want them to vote for,
(2) promote positive feelings about the candidate, party, or legislation you do want them to vote for, and
(3) make them want to vote.
The big thing here is FEELINGS, not facts. Affirm the person’s feelings of discomfort with the “wrong” candidate, and their attraction to your preferred candidate. Let them know they are not alone in those feelings. Help them feel that you understand them, are like them, and share their values and concerns.
Comments that acknowledge feelings and connect emotionally:
- “I can see how you’d feel that way.”
- “Yes, that’s something I noticed, too, and it makes me really uneasy when I think about what the deficit is going to mean for our kids.”
- “It must be hard for you, when you’ve been so frugal all your life, to see your country going in this direction now.”
- “You know, I just saw this thing in the paper about people who are planning to cross party lines when they vote or changing political parties—I guess there are quite a few people who just don’t like what’s going on.”
- “My brother lost his job last year, too, and he still hasn’t found decent work. It’s been hard on the whole family.”
- “You’re concerned about the environment, just like I am. I’ve decided I have to vote for ----, because the environment means so much to me.”
- “It isn’t fair, is it, that folks like us who work hard and do a good job can’t count on getting affordable healthcare.”
What else you can do
You can talk about your own feelings, why this election matters to you, why you’ve decided to do what you’re doing now. If you used to think more like the person you’re talking with and have changed, let them know—your experience can serve as a model for their change. “Until this past year, I never paid much attention to politics. I think it was when I saw those photographs about the prisoners in Abu Ghraib that I realized I just couldn’t stay on the sidelines any more.”
While facts are not enough, do have some facts on hand. If possible, do your homework beforehand, so there are a couple of points you can make, in a low-key way, about just about any topic the person brings up. Know your preferred candidates’ websites so you can refer someone there to get more information. There are also a couple of websites you can turn to for nonpartisan assessment of political claims; I recommend www.factcheck.org and www.snopes.com. Another, www.mediamatters.org, is explicitly progressive; it does a good job of tracking misleading stories in the media.
You don’t have to have all the answers right away. It’s OK to get back to people later with some information—in fact, it’s good, because that will help you build a continuing relationship around these political matters. If your prospect brings up a negative point to which you don’t have a response, say something like, “I heard that might not be true. I’ll check it out and get back to you.”
If you do not support the other person’s preferred candidate, acknowledge that candidate’s appeal, but try to call attention to their more serious shortcomings: “I think he has an engaging personality, but his economic policies are proving to be really bad for the middle class” or “I know she comes across as really religious, but I wonder about the morality of her actual decisions—I can’t square her supposed values with her taking money from lobbyists.” By not being directly confrontational, but expressing the fact that there is a contradiction, you invite the other person to think about that contradiction and possibly revise their own views about the candidate.
If they’re already thinking of changing
If the person you’re talking with is actively thinking of changing in a direction you like (deciding to vote, changing political party, supporting your preferred candidate), they need reinforcement and social support. They also need a clear plan of action.
What would you like them to do? Let’s say you want them to register to vote, and they’re thinking about doing so. That means the person has to get a form for the right voting district, fill it out correctly, sign it, and send it in (or have someone else send it in) by a certain date.
You can ask the person questions to find out how far their planning has advanced.
- “When are you going to do that? You know, the last date to register is October 15. That’s only two weeks from now.”
- “Do you have a registration form?” Know where people can get forms (e.g., at county headquarters or a public library). Better yet, carry forms with you all the time—you never know when you may be able to use one!
- You can suggest getting the National Voter Registration Form online (http://www.fec.gov/votregis/vr.htm), which can be used in all states except New Hampshire, North Dakota, and Wyoming
Encourage the person to consider multiple options. Say a person only has one (hazy) idea of what they’re going to do—if that falls through for some reason, they may never go through with their intended course of action. For example, if the person intended to get a voter registration form at the library, but the library was out of forms on the day s/he went there, you don’t want them to give up. If the person has more choices, it’s less likely that they’ll fail to complete the action. You may even be able to help them or accompany them in their action.
Help the person prepare for potential obstacles: What if there’s a snowstorm on election day? What if they can’t find a babysitter? What can they do so they’ll still be able to make it to the polls?
Commitment helps ensure follow-through
If a person makes a direct commitment to someone else, they’re more likely to follow through than if they keep their intentions to themselves. So it’s a good idea to ask someone to promise, to have them say out loud, preferably where others can hear, what they intend to do. If a swing-state voter says she’ll vote for your candidate, let her know that you’ll tell the local party folks about that, and that people will be counting on her vote. This principle of commitment is also a good reason to ask people to sign petitions or write letters—because they’ll then be more likely to take other actions to express their support for the same issue.
Social support encourages action
If a person sees others taking action, or has someone to go along with, they’re more likely to act themselves. As people prepare to make a change, it’s natural for them to seek social support for their new identity. First they’ll drop comments indicating their new intentions. If these comments are well-received, they’ll get bolder and more open about their intentions. They may make new friends, attend political events that support their new position, read different magazines, or change their media habits.
You can make a difference by validating others’ plans for change and celebrating the actions they take. You can hook them up with opportunities to get reinforcement and social support. Your sincere enthusiasm and encouragement will make others more likely to continue on their new course.
Ask for more
A lot will be needed to make a difference in the way this country is going—voter registration, but also money, tabling, phoning, and get-out-the-vote efforts. You’re probably doing more now than you’ve done in previous years—talking with more people, volunteering more time, giving more money.
Well, there’s another thing you can do—you can ask others to do more, too. This is not the time to be shy. Ask your progressive friends to make donations, to go to events with you, to help out with voter registration. Even if they’re already planning to vote the way you’d like them to, there’s probably a bit more they can do, and every little bit will help.
What about the others, those I disagree with who don’t want to change?
A major reason to avoid debates is because, in the process of arguing their position, the other person will just become more attached to their ideas. So side-step arguments that will only reinforce your opponents’ views.
As for trying to change someone who’s pretty far away from where you are, it all depends on how much time you have. It’s not worth wasting time on pointless arguments, but thoughtful conversations and perseverance often can lead a person to change over time—but that time may mean months or years, not just days.
If you do find yourself across the dinner table with someone you simply do not agree with, use questions to try to get them “off message.” Find a subject that’s not one of their “canned” topics. Ask about their children’s school or how they are being affected by recent changes in the economy. In other words, something that won’t let them just parrot back their habitual way of talking about issues.
Standing up to a bully is the most effective response
Many people adopt a bullying tone in political conversation these days, imitating what they hear on talk radio and other media. If others are around, they may “play to the audience” by ridiculing your positions or you personally. If a person is bullying you verbally, address that behavior directly by saying that it is not an appropriate way to talk, that you don’t believe in bullying, name-calling, or ridicule, and that you will not accept it. You are sure to gain respect from those listening or witnessing the exchange. Your direct and courageous response will help them to recognize the negative effects of verbal bullying.
It’s not fun to think about, but bullying happens all the time, so it’s worth being prepared.
These are processes taken from proven techniques in social psychology. They can be used in other aspects of your life, too, besides politics.
Be good to yourself
During the political season, it’s important to keep your energy and your spirits up. Play a bit. Take short breaks from the intensity of campaigning.
Share this time with friends. Share this article. Practice with each other, asking questions and listening. Decide what you can do to help each other make that critical difference. And celebrate your victories—the little ones along the way to the big ones you’re hoping for on Election Day.
© Katherine Forrest, 2005
About the author:
This article is based on Talking Politics with People Unlike Ourselves, a workshop offered by the Commonweal Institute. Dr. Katherine Forrest, who developed the workshop, has extensive experience as a trainer and as a trainer of trainers, based on her work at Harvard School of Public Health, Yale University, University of Connecticut, and Planned Parenthood.
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